“What’s wrong” He asked, coming up behind me while I was puttering around in the kitchen.
I leaned forward on the refrigerator, trying to hide my face with my hands and shook my head.
“I said, what’s wrong” he demanded.
“I don’t like your decision,” I pouted. “I think it sucks.” I said feeling justified in my statement.
He gathered his tools and sat at the foot of the bed. “Get in position”. He pointed at the spot on the floor in front of him.
I whimpered as I got undressed and did as he asked.
“First, I have the matter of your being a minute late for work the other night. I was going to wait until your vacation was over but since you have been incorrigible lately, we will deal with this now.”
Eight hard whacks fell across my bottom. I gasped and wiggled, trying to do my best not to cry out or move.
“Next time it will be ten. Now, what did you say about my decision? You think it sucks?”
Oh crap oh crap oh crap…
“When did it become your duty to pass judgment on my decisions?” He demanded. The paddle came down hard over my bare bottom punctuating his words with a flurry of angry smacks.
I shook my head, “I’m not, I’m not, I’m not” I cried.
“Yes, you did. Do not argue with me. “
I put my head back down on the floor as he continued my punishment.
I tell you your thoughts and your feelings. When I make a decision, you will comply and you will do it happily. I do not want to hear that you think it ‘sucks’! Do. you. under. stand? I decide what you need and don’t need. That is not up to you. Your only desire should be to please me.” The paddle rained down frenetically.
I needed this and you took it away. You not only said “no” you said “never.” It was not too much to ask, I am sure of it. I don’t understand. I feel unimportant, unappreciated, worthless in your eyes. And if that is not enough, I am supposed to be happy about it? To want it this way because you told me to?
And with that I burst into a big ugly sob, coughing and sputtering, my heart shifting in my chest. It was not the loss of what I wanted, but the invasion into my being that drove me to this outburst. He wanted to mold my thoughts and feelings to his will, to truly become one with him, giving myself completely over to him. I cried because for the first time I felt it happening, the slide of my self into him.
I felt the paddle rest quietly on my back.
“Calm down” he said softly. I began to slow my breathing, regaining some composure. Feeling the paddle on my back gave me a slight feeling of reassurance that it was not currently making it’s decent towards my bottom.
It’s what I wanted, what I asked for – to meld with him – his desires becoming completely mine, my only thought, his happiness. His most fleeting whim consuming my undivided attention. To think his thoughts, believe his beliefs… And yet I cry. Mourning the initial symptoms of dying to Self?
With the paddle still resting firmly on my behind, I felt a sharp thwack. My mind registered the wooden spatula making contact with my sore bottom. I jumped with the unexpected strike. The spatula cracked down repeatedly as I absorbed the lesson.
This is how he feels when I cause problems…ambushed during a perfectly pleasant afternoon.
“It is good that you experience what you do to me” He said as he continued to strike me. “I will inflict on you the pain you cause me.”
I nodded in acceptance and understanding.
“It is your job to calm me when I get angry. It doesn’t matter why I am angry, I need you to help me relax. You can talk to me, rub my neck, suck my cock – whatever it takes. But you do not react in anger. I will not tolerate it. And you will speak to me respectfully. I am tired of your constant disrespect!”
“Yes, Husband” I said
He began stroking my back with the crop running it all over my naked flesh
“You must open yourself fully to me. You know I have never given up on you after all these years. That is why it angers me that you think I don’t care about you.”
“You must trust me completely. Stop running away, stop trying to hide. Do you trust me?”
“Yes, Husband” I moaned feeling the pleasure build between my legs.
“Now come here” he said.
I turned and kneeled before him looking up into his beautiful caring eyes.
“Now give me pleasure…And I want you to come for me, show me how much you desire to please me”
As I took him in my mouth my body shook as waves of pleasure overwhelmed me.
We were playing before I had to go to work when I smiled and asked him “Hey…Are you going to make me late and use it as an excuse to spank me?”
“I don’t need an excuse to spank you” He said, grinning evilly.
“Because this is your ass and you can do what you want with it?”
“That and because you keep getting into trouble and earning spankings all on your own. I already owe you eight from yesterday when you were late.”
“But that wasn’t my fault,” I said playfully. “I was ready on time, but I lost my water bottle and I know you wouldn’t want me to get dehydrated so I had to find it.”
“OK that’s 16 for arguing”
“No, not arguing, just being silly.” I said while pouting and giving him puppy eyes.
“Alright 12 then”
“Why oh why do I open my big mouth?” Oh yeah I think as he pushes my head back down on his cock.
I love to curl up at his feet. I feel safe, loved, and perfectly subby. It is my “place”, a reminder, my “home.” It is the one place in this world I can truly relax. And it is why I often fall asleep there.
He doesn’t mind my lying near him, but he does not like me sleeping there. He thinks if I am tired enough to go to sleep, then I should go to bed. I don’t like to go to bed without him.
The other night I had fallen asleep on the floor again. He was being playful and poked me in the side but I was too sleepy to see the humor and grumbled at him, pushing his hand away.
He woke me and told me to go to bed. I heard him coming up the stairs as I was getting ready. I knew I was in trouble but was hoping he was too tired to initiate anything.
He had me get in position and spanked me soundly for my attitude. He told me I was no longer allowed to fall asleep on the floor. I cried gently. I told him why it was important to me but he was not swayed. I wanted him to understand and to allow this one desire, but I realized that I must give him what he wants regardless of what I want. It is the difference between feeling submissive and actually being submissive.
It is difficult when a girl has the desire to feel submissive and yet is told to do things that undermine that feeling. I had the same thought while reading an old post (and the following comments) entitled The Missionary Position over at Taken in Hand. Some women stated they would only have sex in what they see as male dominant positions even if their top/owner/HOH type wanted them to be on top.
I struggled with this in the beginning of our relationship. I can orgasm in any position, but to truly feel sated, I must feel subdued, conquered and ruled by him. I want to feel his control as strongly as his desire. I wanted to refuse when he would tell me to get on top. I believe I complained a bit in the beginning, but he wouldn’t hear it. If he wanted me on top, then that is where I would be.
My Favorite Position
When I came home he was busy. It was my first morning off and I wanted to spend time with him. I was patient, waiting quietly at his feet. Occasionally he would ask me a question and I would answer but when I attempted to continue the conversation he would already be immersed in his work. I tried not to interrupt him but at times I found him growling at me for talking. I decided to go take a nap.
I went upstairs and then decided to call downstairs to him and ask him if he would tuck me in. I was hoping maybe we could play for a bit or at least I could curl up next to him. He sighed and told me that I had been nothing but an interruption all morning. I told him never mind and closed the door to the bedroom, undressing and crawling into bed.
I began to cry, feeling alone, abandoned and worthless. My mind replayed his words continually. I felt like a burden, unwanted and forgettable. I heard him open the door and sit on the bed next to me. He asked me what was wrong.
I tried to tell him through my tears. He told me to get into position. I shivered as I complied. I felt the crop drawn across my naked bottom and a gentle tap on each cheek. He began to talk to me, to draw out of me what was wrong, my fears and insecurities. He spoke to me of the truth of his feelings for me. It was difficult to have a conversation feeling so exposed but it kept me in a submissive frame of mind. I had no desire to accuse or argue, only to listen and accept his words as truth.
When he was done talking to me he told me to crawl down onto the floor and resume my position. He picked up the large paddle and got behind me.
“How many minutes late did you leave last night?”
“Three…It was 9:48 on the clock in the kitchen”
“So you were still in the kitchen at 9:48? You should have been in the car by 9:45. You were 4 minutes late.” I nodded, arguing would only make the punishment worse – and I believed him. He is much more aware of time than I am.
“And what was the consequence for being late?”
“Four spankings for each minute I was late,” I groaned.
“You will thank me for each spanking.”
I am not used to having to speak, usually there is some type of cloth in my mouth and a demand for silence. So the entire process sounded something like
<Smack> “Owww…thank you” <Smack> “Owwww…thank you” <Smack> “Quit moving!” “Owww…thank you”
“Next time it will be eight spankings for each minute late. Do you see how this is going?”
“Yes” I cried turning and kissing his foot.
He told me I would not have time for a nap and to get dressed and come downstairs to make lunch.
I love how this makes the distances between us close so perfectly. There is no need to fight or blame – no more anger and withdrawal. Just punishment and acceptance and we can have a beautiful rest of the day.
It is always at that point when I let my guard down, when I think he won’t notice or care, that I push too far and find myself at the wrong end of the paddle.
I came home this morning rather depressed, planning to take a sleeping pill and sleep the day away. He woke up as I was completing my morning chores. I got him his tea,water and medicine. He went immediately to work on some financial stuff which frustrated me more. I kept thinking that I would only be up for a few minutes, and couldn’t he at least acknowledge my existence? I made him his breakfast and sat down with him while he ate and I let my pill kick in. I didn’t say much but I can imagine I wasn’t the most pleasant of company. I was tired and just sick of waiting for him to notice me.
I began to get sleepy and headed off to bed (I am actually supposed to ask to go to bed but since I asked to take my pill – I assumed this was a given). As I was walking up the stairs to sleep he asked me when I would be getting up. I told him “by 8pm” in a snotty ‘I am going to do what I want’ kind of voice (It was 9am at this point). He asked me if I didn’t think that it was a little long to be sleeping. I said no, that I was depressed and didn’t feel like being awake any longer. He said I could talk to him if I wanted.
When, oh when, will I learn that talking to him when I am in a crappy mood will only end with my having a sore bottom and a mouth full of cock?
I sat down on the floor next to him and basically told him that my depression was his fault for being distant and that he shouldn’t expect me to act happy if I was miserable – and that he was making me miserable. (ugggg – stupid mouth of mine!) That went over about as well as to be expected. When I realized that he was thoroughly pissed at me, I decided this was the time to get away and go to bed. I stood up, mid conversation and walked upstairs.
He told me to come back. I did, sitting on the floor at a distance from him. I knew in my heart that he wanted me to kneel but I just didn’t care at the time. He gave me “the look” and told me to get on my knees with my face on the floor. I complied.
“Do you think that my being distant gives you the right to act like a bitch? You should have presented yourself before me without having to be told. You accuse me, while all the time being disobedient and disrespectful yourself. You need to examine your own behavior before you dare question mine.
All I ask of you is your obedience. Why do you disobey me?”
“I thought I have been obeying you,” I said
“Oh really?” He laughed and told me to go upstairs.
He was sitting on the bed, paddle in hand watching me.
I crawled naked onto the bed, getting into position. My heart began to race, kneeling, head on the bed, waiting.
“So… you think you do everything I tell you to?” He asked
Being exposed and seconds away from a spanking makes a girl a bit more contrite and introspective “Not everything.” I said.
We are going to review what you have failed to do. I was jumpy, anticipating the first smack. He put the paddle on my mid back to remind me to stay still.
“How many minutes were you late leaving on Sunday?”
“Five” I felt the paddle smack hard onto my ass. I squirmed unintentionally as the paddle came down again and again. I was already emotional and the pain made me cry almost immediately.
“That was Ten. Two for each minute you were late.” He put the paddle on my mid back again. “You will learn to control yourself. You will learn to control your emotions. No moving. How late did you leave last night?”
“I thought I left on time”
“You didn’t. You were five minutes late again.”
He spanked me another ten times. “The next time you are late you will receive four per minute.”
“When did I tell you to empty the laundry baskets?”
“Just today, I thought”.
“No, I mentioned it last week”. (I had put away his things but was living out of laundry baskets for myself). “That is seven” The spankings came hard and fast. “And when did I tell you to take out the waste-basket?”
“Ten days ago to be exact” And another ten hits rained down on my exposed bottom.
“This morning, when you came home, you saw I left the files open on your computer that you were supposed to sort through. Don’t you think that was a good reminder? Don’t you think that you shouldn’t have ignored it?”
“Yes?” Smack… “Yes?” Smack
“Why do you ignore me?” “Why do you think you are obeying me when there are so many things you have failed to do?”
“I forget sometimes and I think they are just little things.”
I nodded. I couldn’t speak. There was no defense, no justification. Only shame and sorrow.
He put the paddle down and picked up the crop. “This is for being disrespectful and disobedient.” he said, hitting me repeatedly across my bottom with the crop. “I will break that will of yours.”
I don’t know how long the spanking continued. The pain washed over me along with the sadness of my crimes. I cried deeply. When he finished, he called me to him and put my mouth on his cock. He pushed himself down my throat.
He grabbed my hair thrusting deep into my mouth causing me to gag. “It seems you need more practice” he said. “Would you like me to tie you to the bed and jam a dildo down your throat? I like to put toys in places they wont fit…yet. Would you like that? Maybe I should save that for a punishment in case these spankings don’t work.” He held my hair with one hand and began spanking me with the crop with the other.
He put the crop behind my head holding it in place and thrust deep inside me until he came. I collapsed in a pile between his legs feeling warm and at peace. I am his.
He asked me what was wrong, told me to talk to him. I spoke of fear, sadness, abandonment. I wanted reassurances. I needed to know he would never leave. I told him that when I had to work, it made me feel as though he was sending me away – and that I hated being away from him.
I told him I was feeling far away, that I was unable to connect to him. That I was feeling like a burden; that I was poisonous, unlovable. I burst into tears. He held me for a moment while I cried. Then he got up and rolled me on to my stomach, leaving his hand on my lower back communicating “stay”. He grabbed the large paddle from the side of the bed. I felt it crack down across my bare ass. I cried out but he told me to be quiet, and not to move. As he continued to spank me he said
You are out of control and it is my job to get you under control. I am not sending you away when you work, you are serving me. You are mine, this is my brand…if I have to mark your ass every day so be it. You are my property. I will never let you go. I will consume you before I ever let you go.
He rolled me onto my side, kissing me and grabbing my tits hard. I told him that was the most beautiful thing anyone has ever said to me.
Besides, I would be crazy to give this up. I love your body, I love how you feel. I love the things you do to me. This – all of this – is beautiful.
He grabbed the back of my head by my hair and pushed my mouth down on his cock. As I pleasured him I felt at peace, owned, loved. I never wanted this morning to end.
“Ooh I’m dizzy” I said upon standing, and immediately sat back down.
He looked at me with a raised eyebrow “Are you dehydrated?”
“Umm…no…I don’t think so…”
“Have you been drinking your water?”
“I drank some…I think…awhile ago”
“So ‘no’ then”?
“Yeah, pretty much”
“Ok drink a glass now. I want it gone in 5 minutes, then go upstairs and get undressed. Get on the bed with your ass in the air and wait for me.”
I went to get my water and began drinking. I knew my lack of hydration bothered him, but I hadn’t really considered it to be something he would spank for since it doesn’t impact him.
I think those are the hardest rules for me to understand – the ones for my benefit. I want to tell him it is my body and it shouldn’t matter to him if I am dehydrated – but at the same time I do feel loved and protected that he cares enough about me to insist that I take care of myself.
I went upstairs and got in position and waited – feeling exposed and embarrassed – but also protected and cared for. I heard him enter the room and find the paddle.
I felt the first whack of the paddle come down on my ass. It is at this moment I wonder what I have gotten myself into. I asked for this?
“This is for not drinking your water. I have told you repeatedly to keep hydrated and you disobeyed me.” Over and over the paddle hit my bare flesh – frequently in the same spot. (Geez that man can aim) The pain was intense and I squirmed to have some relief. I felt the paddle touch the small of my back.
“Don’t squirm” he said. “Now are you going to drink your water?”
“Yes”, I said nearly in tears.
“Good. Now this,” He said as he smacked me with the paddle even harder, “Is for being dishonest with me. When I ask you a question, I expect you to be up front. I shouldn’t have to drag the answer out of you”
The paddle continued to crack down on my bare bottom until I was in tears, begging him to stop. I promised I would never try to get out of a punishment again.
When he was done he brought me to him and had me take care of his desire. I thanked him for caring enough about us to do this for us.
Feeling his power over me helps me to relax and submit to him. I need his strength and his concern. It makes me feel like his wife and I am so thankful for him.
One of our rules is that I cannot, for any reason be late for anything. This is extremely difficult for me as I have never put much importance on being on time and consequently have never learned those necessary time management skills. Husband cannot fathom how I can be consistently late for everything and has decided this needs fixing immediately.
I was driving to work recently, when I realized I had forgotten my thermos of coffee. I work nights and am a bit of a coffee addict so I rationalized that going back to get my coffee would be better than risk falling asleep on the job or spending the night with an intractable headache. I called home to let Husband know I was coming back and when he didn’t object, I thought I was in the clear. I arrived at work 4 minutes late but with coffee in hand. I sent him a text letting him know that I was a smidge late but that it would not affect my time sheet.
I came home that morning and went to sleep. I had to get up early to go to an appointment that afternoon. I had been hoping for a snowstorm so I had a reason to cancel, but unfortunately there were only a few flurries falling from the sky. I decided to fix myself a bowl of cereal before getting ready. Husband mentioned that maybe I should get ready first, but thinking there was nothing amiss, I decided to ignore his suggestion and eat first.
Was he watching me? Something seemed to be different but I couldn’t quite verbalize what. There was an expectancy in the air but he was not revealing anything. I went upstairs to shower. I jokingly yelled downstairs that my snowstorm was late.
He said “Oh like you were last night?”
I laughed and said “well I had to have my coffee, and I did call home, and at least I was honest about it…I didn’t have to tell you…that should count for something ya know…and besides I was on time the first time (I had gone in early to help out but they had scheduled too many people and sent me home).”
He was up the stairs in a flash.
“Get on the bed”
My heart crawled up into my chest. He grabbed the paddles as I got into position on my knees and elbows, my ass exposed in the air. He hit me hard and fast with the smaller paddle. When I wriggled he placed the paddle on the small of my back and told me to be still.
“I thought I told you never to be late. This will not happen again”
“Bu-bu-but I was honest, doesn’t that count for something? You would have never known”
“Your honesty is expected, not something you get rewarded for. And I did know” he said as he continued to smack my bottom. He paused and I realized he was switching paddles.
He told me to put part of the bed sheet in my mouth. “I don’t want to hear you” he growled as the large paddle hit my flesh. I tried not to cry out but it was impossible. I squirmed and writhed. Again he put the paddle on my back and warned me not to move. “This is for making light of the situation. You will take this seriously.”
“Yeeessss” I cried through the sheet in my mouth. ” I will, I’m sorry”. The paddle cracked my ass hard, over and over. The pain was overwhelming.
He picked me up by the back of my hair, laid down beside me and put my mouth on him. He now had the crop in his hand. I stopped for a moment and looked up and him. ” I was just playing around, trying to be silly. I wasn’t trying to be disrespectful.”
“Keep sucking” he said as the crop hit my ass. “It is a sore subject and I don’t appreciate you joking about it.” He spanked me hard as I gave him release.
I put my head on his chest and whispered “Thank you.”
I realized I had very little time to get ready for my appointment and hurriedly showered, did my make up and hair and got dressed. It would be terrible to be late immediately after receiving a spanking for being late. And I knew he wouldn’t care if he was the reason for my being late. I remembered that he had suggested that I get ready first. I realized I should have listened to him. With no time to spare I ran downstairs and grabbed my phone on the way out the door when I saw the message. “I am sorry, I am going to have to cancel our appointment today.” Relieved, I showed Husband and we laughed together. I snuggled up next to him, thankful to have some extra time together.
I was getting restless. It wasn’t the kind of driving restlessness that is guaranteed to get me into trouble, but an undercurrent of uncertainty that was poking its head above the surface.
Things were not well, but they hadn’t been for some time. We had been through many varieties of power exchange dynamics in our 6 years of marriage and yet I found myself unable to truly surrender. I could go through the motions, but sooner or later, I would find myself raging at him, finding the whole situation hateful and unfair. In the beginning he would lecture, or punish me for my outbursts. But lately he began just walking away. The silence was torture and could go on for days. I began to feel that he couldn’t possibly love me and started to see every action colored in that light.
Since his retirement, with the stress melting from his life, he became kinder and more understanding. I began to see pieces of the man I married that had been hiding for years. I started to believe that he truly did love me. But at the same time, I could see him giving up hope, losing the will to fight me and my demons. He wanted a wife that would submit to him by her own will. He was not going to force surrender out of me. What scared me the most was when I began to deny him sexually – something I swore I would never do. I hated myself for it but felt justified at the same time.
It was during this time that I began studying Five Aspects of Woman at church. I was reminded how much I had initially desired our dynamic, and how much I desperately missed it. I needed a strong leader. I needed to follow him. I realized that I had gotten sidetracked by feeling that I had to submit that I forgot how much I wanted to submit.
I took a personality test that told me among other things that I was naturally submissive. Of course psychologists see this as a disorder, but it reminded me that this is who I am. I began to see that I was fighting myself because I was afraid of being hurt again as I had been with others. I felt if I completely surrendered, I might just disappear. But I wasn’t willing to give up.
I sent him this email:
I just wanted to say a few things, you don’t have to respond unless you want to.
It seems I have forgotten my need/desire for your control. I am not sure when that happened during the course of our marriage but at some point I started expecting equality in position and I am sorry for that. I stopped desiring your control of me and began to see it as a burden to endure.
I think the Christian marriage concept had something to do with it because I started seeing it as an obligation to God and not a need or want. And I started feeling like I had a right to “run to Daddy” (God) every time I didn’t like what you did. It made it somehow easier to hold myself in judgment of you, because I knew the standards you were held to. I know this is a backwards way of looking at it, but I wanted to let you know what has been effecting me.
Also, and this is not to fault you, but I think at some point when you had so many expectations of me, that I struggled to fulfill, I began to see many of your expectations as unrealistic. (Kind of a blanket generalization) I think there are a number of my issues that go back to those days and I need to sort them out for myself. It is not something that I blame you for and will work on disentangling the past with the present.
(please don’t see this next part as criticism – think of it more as insight – shit that sounds condescending but I don’t have the right words)
Last night I felt so out of control, and scared. I know you say you just get sick of dealing with me, but I think in those moments is when I need your strength and control the most. I see withdrawing as weakness and it terrifies me. It is in those moments that I need your collar, I need to kneel before you, I need the crop on my ass. I need to know you are there and in control, because I am not. I know you have told me you see this as a reward, but it never has been. There is a huge difference between something sexual and something done to obtain/show control. I have always needed the spankings to get under control. It is the only way I know. Now I resort to pills because it is all that I have. If anything is more rewarding, it is a warm fuzzy Xanax and 4 hours of sleep.
I am not sure what I expect in telling you this. I don’t know if you will be interested, or care, or tell me you’ve heard it before. I am reaching out again because I don’t know what else to do. I want so much for this to work between us, and I am hating what I have done to you. I am out of my depth here. Please come back to yourself and to me.
I sent him this link:
And I waited…
We talked occasionally (or I emailed when I was too embarrassed to talk) through 3 weeks of amazing peacefulness between us. I returned to him sexually. He used the crop on me during our play times as a reminder of his control of me. I was happy and at peace. I felt loved and protected again.
And then I disobeyed, started a fight, and completely lost control. I found myself in our bedroom crying, devastated that I had broken my promise. I was so determined to submit everything to him and to not argue. I couldn’t trust myself and I was terrified. He stayed downstairs and watched TV. When I didn’t stop crying, he came upstairs looked around, told me to keep quiet and went back downstairs. I felt so alone, drowning in self hatred. I thought it was my last chance and he would never forgive me.
I went downstairs and apologized. I told him I was feeling so out of control. He told me to find the paddles. I located them and laid them on the dresser. I had forgotten just how big and intimidating one of the paddles was. I couldn’t bring myself to bring it down to him so I just left it on the dresser and went to sleep.
Two days later I was at it again. I’m sure I was seeking boundaries in the only way I knew how. I was arguing and yelling at him. He told me to get upstairs. I could see the anger in his eyes and I was afraid. But this is what I wanted right? He told me to take off my pants and panties, pushed me into position and began walloping my ass with the scary paddle. I couldn’t stay still it hurt so much. I kept moving and tried to cover my butt with my hands but nothing stopped him. When he was done he flung the paddle and walked out. I started crying and begged him not to go. I crawled to him on my knees and put my head by his feet. I told him I was ready to surrender everything and was scared that I got so out of control at times. I told him I needed him to hold me accountable. He said he was no longer going to let me get away with my attitude and disobedience; That I should expect him to be strict. I thanked him for caring about us so much that he would not let me destroy us. He patted me on the head and I snuggled next to him. I was finally back in my place and at peace.