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I came home from work this morning tired, wanting nothing more than to crawl into bed next to him and catch a few minutes of much needed snuggling before he woke up.  Unfortunately there were chores I had to get done and by the time I was ready to slip into bed, he was up.  I got him his tea, water and medicine, chatted for a bit and then decided to pleasure him.  My attempts at seduction were met with a gruff rebuke.  I honestly don’t handle rejection well and was worried about what I might say so I just got up and left the room.  He called me back and accused me of being angry at him; only coming on to him for selfish reasons.  I told him that was not the case.  I just get overwhelmingly embarrassed when I try to play and he turns me away.  He asked me how I could know him so little that I wouldn’t know he wasn’t in the mood.  I think he called it a “monumental mistake in judgement”.  I knew he was still depressed,  but I thought I could help to take his mind off things, to bring him some pleasure in a morning of pain.  But my gesture was seen as an insult.

I do want to know him more than I know myself even.  But he is a complex man and every time I think I understand a piece of him, I seem to have it wrong.

He said we could talk if I wanted to before bed.  He told me to take my pill if I needed one and he would talk to me.  I sat on the floor next to him by his desk.  He feels that the spankings are just a band-aid to my disobedience.  (I was able to clarify that I wasn’t looking for him to spank me when he was angry – he thought I did).  He really doesn’t believe that punishment has much effect on behavior.  I can see that for me the effect wouldn’t be as direct.  But the fact that he can and does punish me reinforces his position in my mind, and that will have the desired effect – assuming he is consistent about it.  I need to always know that I am his, to feel his power over me, to know he can tell me to do anything and I will obey.

He says I must have an internal heart change.  He understands that I have issues from my past that trigger me, but he doesn’t see that as the main problem. He feels that I am too self-protective and self-serving.  He wants me to give myself completely to him, to think only of his happiness and to serve him with all of my heart.  I asked him if that were truly possible and he said that he believes that is the true meaning of love.  I asked him if he had ever seen it though – If you weren’t Jesus or Mother Theresa – could it be done.  He says it is possible and expected.

I struggle, because it is hard for me to see how you can devote yourself so fully to another without any concern for your own needs and desires, and not one day burn out from it.  I mean conceptually it is beautiful and it is truly what I desire, but in the midst of the daily mundanities it would be very much appreciated if he would get his own coffee once in awhile.  (Eh we tried that once – a day off of sorts – made me incredibly anxious)

I think he was saying in part it is the focus of your devotion that will make it easier or harder; And the completeness of it.  But by this time the meds were kicking in and I was losing focus.  I told him that I get afraid and he said he has given me no reason to fear, but that if I was going to be afraid of him, I should stay away until I have worked through that fear.  (I think, I think…I was a little foggy at this point). And so I went to bed.

It is a kind of dichotomy between my old self and my new self.  In the past I was consumed with fairness and equality, trying to make sure no one took advantage of me and that I had complete independence.  Of course I was miserable and managed to get myself taken advantage of anyway.  Once I realized that I needed a strong man in my life, one I could surrender completely to, I found myself both compelled and terrified of the concept.  And once I found this man, I knew it was what I needed.  And yet, so many times the old thoughts creep in – and the fear that he is being unfair and inconsiderate.  And the feelings that he cannot possibly love me as evidenced by his unfairness.    He thinks I see him as a tyrant, and in the past I have.  But now, I see that he loves me and that many of the things he did that seemed harsh, were done because of that love.

I remembered something from a past discussion about how to actually handle the daily routine of it all.  He said that it is about “dying to yourself daily”.  He told me that when I wake up I should spend time thinking about him and how I plan to make him happy, and to remember that my place is to serve and please him.  And then when I go to bed at night to review how well or poorly I made that happen.  I did do that for awhile (until I forgot – I am terrible with routine) and it helped at the time.  I am going to try to implement that again.

On a happy note, when I got up for work he was kind to me and even patted me on the head (a calming thing for me).  We got to spend a little time together before I left which made me smile.

On another happy note this blog got its first follower 🙂  Welcome!