It really is beyond me how I can get in trouble for something one day and then turn around and manage to do the exact same thing the next day. It is not that I am trying to be disobedient. I am often more frustrated with myself than he is with me.
I had a number of things to get done after work and by the time I had them all complete I was wound and couldn’t sleep. I ended up going to bed late, which then caused me to hit snooze on my alarm several times without thinking which caused me to leave the house late again. (3 minutes to be exact…and yes I am actually getting to work on time – little does that impress the Husband though). I hate that I keep doing this to him. And I am sad that I tried so hard today to do everything perfectly and yet it will all be overshadowed by being late.
This ties into my comment yesterday about “little things”. I know there is no excuse since he makes the rules and I am to obey, however I struggle with his assessment that I am consistently disobedient. His belief is that obedience is absolute otherwise it is just agreeing with what you feel like doing and ignoring the rest. I believe that I am doing my best to obey but face struggles that have plagued me my entire life. I am not being willful in my disobedience (except when I argue and lose control of my emotions).
Part of my problem is that I never had much in the way of actual parenting. Punishments were rare (other than getting hit for being overly mouthy) and teaching was non existent. I never learned to cook or clean or be responsible for myself. I was sent away to boarding school when I became too much trouble for them.
My first marriage held little in the way of expectations and was a disaster of drugs, abuse and craziness. So trying to function in a normal environment has been difficult. I never learned basic life skills or time management.
My other issue is that I have ADD, depression and anxiety disorders. (Diagnosed and on meds). So I often truly forget, or get overwhelmed or panic and can’t leave the house, therefore some tasks get missed or are left undone.
I am expected to work full time, do the housework, cook, serve him his food/drinks etc., make all the appointments, run all the errands, plus whatever tasks come up (find this, fetch that etc) and I don’t complain (often to him) about it. I like to take care of him and serve him. But sometimes things slip through the cracks. Like the waste basket. I took out all the rest of the garbage and managed to forget one waste basket. And once the overall task (take out the garbage) is complete in my mind, I won’t think about it again, so the forgotten item stays forgotten. I am not being disobedient, just forgetful. He feels that if my obedience was important enough I would make sure (somehow) that I don’t forget.
As far as being on time is concerned – I don’t know. I honestly can be ready an hour ahead of time and still be late. I have no concept of time and just because a task took me five minutes yesterday doesn’t mean it won’t take 15 minutes today. I don’t want to be late it upsets Husband and is rude to others. I am angry and frustrated with myself and really not looking forward to seeing the disappointment in his eyes.
So those are my reasons/excuses. I know it doesn’t really matter in the grand scheme but I need to find a way around these things so I don’t cause so many problems at home, and don’t end up with such a red bottom.
I wonder sometimes what the difference is between reasons and excuses. He seems to see my reasons as excuses. The best I can figure is that a reason is what I think in my own head, and an excuse is when I say those reasons to him.