“What’s wrong” He asked, coming up behind me while I was puttering around in the kitchen.
I leaned forward on the refrigerator, trying to hide my face with my hands and shook my head.
“I said, what’s wrong” he demanded.
“I don’t like your decision,” I pouted. “I think it sucks.” I said feeling justified in my statement.
He gathered his tools and sat at the foot of the bed. “Get in position”. He pointed at the spot on the floor in front of him.
I whimpered as I got undressed and did as he asked.
“First, I have the matter of your being a minute late for work the other night. I was going to wait until your vacation was over but since you have been incorrigible lately, we will deal with this now.”
Eight hard whacks fell across my bottom. I gasped and wiggled, trying to do my best not to cry out or move.
“Next time it will be ten. Now, what did you say about my decision? You think it sucks?”
Oh crap oh crap oh crap…
“When did it become your duty to pass judgment on my decisions?” He demanded. The paddle came down hard over my bare bottom punctuating his words with a flurry of angry smacks.
I shook my head, “I’m not, I’m not, I’m not” I cried.
“Yes, you did. Do not argue with me. ”
I put my head back down on the floor as he continued my punishment.
I tell you your thoughts and your feelings. When I make a decision, you will comply and you will do it happily. I do not want to hear that you think it ‘sucks’! Do. you. under. stand? I decide what you need and don’t need. That is not up to you. Your only desire should be to please me.” The paddle rained down frenetically.
I needed this and you took it away. You not only said “no” you said “never.” It was not too much to ask, I am sure of it. I don’t understand. I feel unimportant, unappreciated, worthless in your eyes. And if that is not enough, I am supposed to be happy about it? To want it this way because you told me to?
And with that I burst into a big ugly sob, coughing and sputtering, my heart shifting in my chest. It was not the loss of what I wanted, but the invasion into my being that drove me to this outburst. He wanted to mold my thoughts and feelings to his will, to truly become one with him, giving myself completely over to him. I cried because for the first time I felt it happening, the slide of my self into him.
I felt the paddle rest quietly on my back.
“Calm down” he said softly. I began to slow my breathing, regaining some composure. Feeling the paddle on my back gave me a slight feeling of reassurance that it was not currently making it’s decent towards my bottom.
It’s what I wanted, what I asked for – to meld with him – his desires becoming completely mine, my only thought, his happiness. His most fleeting whim consuming my undivided attention. To think his thoughts, believe his beliefs… And yet I cry. Mourning the initial symptoms of dying to Self?
With the paddle still resting firmly on my behind, I felt a sharp thwack. My mind registered the wooden spatula making contact with my sore bottom. I jumped with the unexpected strike. The spatula cracked down repeatedly as I absorbed the lesson.
This is how he feels when I cause problems…ambushed during a perfectly pleasant afternoon.
“It is good that you experience what you do to me” He said as he continued to strike me. “I will inflict on you the pain you cause me.”
I nodded in acceptance and understanding.
“It is your job to calm me when I get angry. It doesn’t matter why I am angry, I need you to help me relax. You can talk to me, rub my neck, suck my cock – whatever it takes. But you do not react in anger. I will not tolerate it. And you will speak to me respectfully. I am tired of your constant disrespect!”
“Yes, Husband” I said
He began stroking my back with the crop running it all over my naked flesh
“You must open yourself fully to me. You know I have never given up on you after all these years. That is why it angers me that you think I don’t care about you.”
“You must trust me completely. Stop running away, stop trying to hide. Do you trust me?”
“Yes, Husband” I moaned feeling the pleasure build between my legs.
“Now come here” he said.
I turned and kneeled before him looking up into his beautiful caring eyes.
“Now give me pleasure…And I want you to come for me, show me how much you desire to please me”
As I took him in my mouth my body shook as waves of pleasure overwhelmed me.