I was getting restless. It wasn’t the kind of driving restlessness that is guaranteed to get me into trouble, but an undercurrent of uncertainty that was poking its head above the surface.
Things were not well, but they hadn’t been for some time. We had been through many varieties of power exchange dynamics in our 6 years of marriage and yet I found myself unable to truly surrender. I could go through the motions, but sooner or later, I would find myself raging at him, finding the whole situation hateful and unfair. In the beginning he would lecture, or punish me for my outbursts. But lately he began just walking away. The silence was torture and could go on for days. I began to feel that he couldn’t possibly love me and started to see every action colored in that light.
Since his retirement, with the stress melting from his life, he became kinder and more understanding. I began to see pieces of the man I married that had been hiding for years. I started to believe that he truly did love me. But at the same time, I could see him giving up hope, losing the will to fight me and my demons. He wanted a wife that would submit to him by her own will. He was not going to force surrender out of me. What scared me the most was when I began to deny him sexually – something I swore I would never do. I hated myself for it but felt justified at the same time.
It was during this time that I began studying Five Aspects of Woman at church. I was reminded how much I had initially desired our dynamic, and how much I desperately missed it. I needed a strong leader. I needed to follow him. I realized that I had gotten sidetracked by feeling that I had to submit that I forgot how much I wanted to submit.
I took a personality test that told me among other things that I was naturally submissive. Of course psychologists see this as a disorder, but it reminded me that this is who I am. I began to see that I was fighting myself because I was afraid of being hurt again as I had been with others. I felt if I completely surrendered, I might just disappear. But I wasn’t willing to give up.
I sent him this email:
I just wanted to say a few things, you don’t have to respond unless you want to.
It seems I have forgotten my need/desire for your control. I am not sure when that happened during the course of our marriage but at some point I started expecting equality in position and I am sorry for that. I stopped desiring your control of me and began to see it as a burden to endure.
I think the Christian marriage concept had something to do with it because I started seeing it as an obligation to God and not a need or want. And I started feeling like I had a right to “run to Daddy” (God) every time I didn’t like what you did. It made it somehow easier to hold myself in judgment of you, because I knew the standards you were held to. I know this is a backwards way of looking at it, but I wanted to let you know what has been effecting me.
Also, and this is not to fault you, but I think at some point when you had so many expectations of me, that I struggled to fulfill, I began to see many of your expectations as unrealistic. (Kind of a blanket generalization) I think there are a number of my issues that go back to those days and I need to sort them out for myself. It is not something that I blame you for and will work on disentangling the past with the present.
(please don’t see this next part as criticism – think of it more as insight – shit that sounds condescending but I don’t have the right words)
Last night I felt so out of control, and scared. I know you say you just get sick of dealing with me, but I think in those moments is when I need your strength and control the most. I see withdrawing as weakness and it terrifies me. It is in those moments that I need your collar, I need to kneel before you, I need the crop on my ass. I need to know you are there and in control, because I am not. I know you have told me you see this as a reward, but it never has been. There is a huge difference between something sexual and something done to obtain/show control. I have always needed the spankings to get under control. It is the only way I know. Now I resort to pills because it is all that I have. If anything is more rewarding, it is a warm fuzzy Xanax and 4 hours of sleep.
I am not sure what I expect in telling you this. I don’t know if you will be interested, or care, or tell me you’ve heard it before. I am reaching out again because I don’t know what else to do. I want so much for this to work between us, and I am hating what I have done to you. I am out of my depth here. Please come back to yourself and to me.
I sent him this link:
And I waited…
We talked occasionally (or I emailed when I was too embarrassed to talk) through 3 weeks of amazing peacefulness between us. I returned to him sexually. He used the crop on me during our play times as a reminder of his control of me. I was happy and at peace. I felt loved and protected again.
And then I disobeyed, started a fight, and completely lost control. I found myself in our bedroom crying, devastated that I had broken my promise. I was so determined to submit everything to him and to not argue. I couldn’t trust myself and I was terrified. He stayed downstairs and watched TV. When I didn’t stop crying, he came upstairs looked around, told me to keep quiet and went back downstairs. I felt so alone, drowning in self hatred. I thought it was my last chance and he would never forgive me.
I went downstairs and apologized. I told him I was feeling so out of control. He told me to find the paddles. I located them and laid them on the dresser. I had forgotten just how big and intimidating one of the paddles was. I couldn’t bring myself to bring it down to him so I just left it on the dresser and went to sleep.
Two days later I was at it again. I’m sure I was seeking boundaries in the only way I knew how. I was arguing and yelling at him. He told me to get upstairs. I could see the anger in his eyes and I was afraid. But this is what I wanted right? He told me to take off my pants and panties, pushed me into position and began walloping my ass with the scary paddle. I couldn’t stay still it hurt so much. I kept moving and tried to cover my butt with my hands but nothing stopped him. When he was done he flung the paddle and walked out. I started crying and begged him not to go. I crawled to him on my knees and put my head by his feet. I told him I was ready to surrender everything and was scared that I got so out of control at times. I told him I needed him to hold me accountable. He said he was no longer going to let me get away with my attitude and disobedience; That I should expect him to be strict. I thanked him for caring about us so much that he would not let me destroy us. He patted me on the head and I snuggled next to him. I was finally back in my place and at peace.