The punishment for the other nights outburst was what I call “Random Inconvenient Chores”. I am just about to go to sleep (sleeping pill taken, teeth brushed, and shuffling my way upstairs) that he tells me to come to him. I kneel in front of him while he tells me how ugly and unacceptable my behavior was. And I agree. How can I not? I vowed to obey him and to submit to him and I have done neither. I feel small and ashamed. I wish he would take the paddle to me, take his frustration and pain out on me and in the process absolve me of this sin against him.
Instead he finds a chore that needs doing and directs the process, every detail, every movement until I want to scream. I believe the point is to see if I can hold my tongue instead of telling him that I have been up way too long and need to sleep so I can function at work and really can manage without him micromanaging the entire process. I obeyed, but was sad to note that I felt rebellion rising within me only minutes after confessing to him how hateful that rebellion was. What is wrong with this wicked little heart of mine?
He has also told me that if I ever use my phone in a disrespectful manner again (some of what I did was via text) that he would take my phone away and get me a tracphone just for emergencies. That would be beyond painful since nights at work are very very long.
The consequences of my behavior are unfortunately farther reaching. He is hurt and angry and very distant. He gets depressed when I act this way. I would give anything to be able to erase my actions, to take back my words and to make him happy again. I want to be surrendered, submitted. I want him to release his pain onto me. I feel adrift. I don’t know how to proceed (he hates my apologies) and I know of nothing that will heal other than time and perfect obedience.