Last night he growled at me for leaving the house late to get to work. I managed to make it on time anyway. I texted to tell him that I made it on time and to ask him if we were OK. He said yes but that didn’t mean that I wouldn’t be punished for leaving late. I said I understood.
Today there was no mention of being late or punishment. He is wrapped up in his own world. When I try to talk to him he is only minimally responsive. I have talked to him before about needing him to be consistent with the rules. It makes me feel out of control when he dismisses them (me).
I know it is part of who he is. His brilliance causes him to get lost in his head at times. He gets focused on an idea or project and can’t pull away. I know better than to let it get to me, but I still do.
Being at work tonight makes me feel adrift. I tried to text him but he barely answers (2 ya’s was about the gist of it). I can’t help but feeling that since it is his decision that I work, and that I am supposed to be doing this to serve him, that he could at least be there for me when I need him. As it is, I feel that he is thrilled to have me out of the house four nights a week. I could use some reassurance if that is not the case.
I know “It’s not all about me”. He reminds me of that regularly. I am only writing here to prevent texting him again. I want to tell him how alone he makes me feel when he is distant, but it would get nowhere. He believes I should be responsible for my emotions and that he cannot “cause” me to feel a certain way. If the person who you have made it your life’s ambition to make happy is ignoring you, how are you supposed to feel? Indifference is not a character trait I have been blessed with.
I suppose I am one of those people who need the daily reminder – the collar, the reminder spankings, the kneeling, the formalities. It is difficult when I start slipping into the vanilla wife routine. It is those times when I feel as though I might just disappear. I see myself through his eyes – what do I become when he is not looking?
I know it is not my place to question him or to make demands on him. I am trying to limit my requests of him as well. I desire to fully get out of myself and live only for him. How do I stop wanting/expecting things from him?